xxx
Every time I close my eyes, I feel free. The dark is so peaceful. But then I see something horrible and I open my eyes again. I can't forget what happened. I see it in the dark, and it makes me sick. Sleep is almost impossible to get. I hate when you can't fall asleep because you remember something horrible, and see it happen all over again. At the end of the summer vacation, I was happy. But at the same time not. I hated the feeling so much, the feeling I consider happy. At that time I wasn't alone, I had him. But all he did was making me feel like crap. He forced me to do things I didn't want to do. And he knew that I didn't want to but still he must do everything to make him feel special.
He knew I hated meeting new people, that I was very uncomfortable around people in general. I remember he called me one day asking me if I could go with him to a festival with his friends. I said no, I didn't want to go. But he kept telling me that it would mean the world if I went. I kept on saying no, no, no, no. He then said that if I didn't like it, we could go home. I still said no, but after an hour saying no. I realized I really had no other choise than go. So I went. I knew before I got to him, it would be a horrible night. And damn I was right. We got to the town, to meet his friends. And then we walked togheter to the festival. It felt like I was miles from home. I just wanted to go back home, but if I did I would never get home because I was too far away. So I stayed. I told him many times times that I just wanted to go home. But he just ignored it and kept on talking about something else. And after maybe 2 hours, it felt more like 20 hours, we finally went back home. And after another hour I was back home in my room, crying because I felt so disgusting. I don't know why I felt disgusting, I just did and it made me cry. There so many days with him that felt like shit and every time I got home I cried. I'm sorry I am who I am. I'm sorry I can't be friends with your friends. I'm sorry I weird. I'm sorry I'm not the one you want. During the time with him I got more depressed than ever, I almost tried to kill myself. When school stared again, we drifted apart and for once I was not so unhappy. We broke up. And I felt so released. He wasn't in my life anymore. But now, he still exist. Even though it might not be in person, he still is there. The horrible moments with him still is in my mind. He left his shirt here, and honestly, I just want to burn it. And I think I will, I think if I did some of these moments may die with it.
He knew I hated meeting new people, that I was very uncomfortable around people in general. I remember he called me one day asking me if I could go with him to a festival with his friends. I said no, I didn't want to go. But he kept telling me that it would mean the world if I went. I kept on saying no, no, no, no. He then said that if I didn't like it, we could go home. I still said no, but after an hour saying no. I realized I really had no other choise than go. So I went. I knew before I got to him, it would be a horrible night. And damn I was right. We got to the town, to meet his friends. And then we walked togheter to the festival. It felt like I was miles from home. I just wanted to go back home, but if I did I would never get home because I was too far away. So I stayed. I told him many times times that I just wanted to go home. But he just ignored it and kept on talking about something else. And after maybe 2 hours, it felt more like 20 hours, we finally went back home. And after another hour I was back home in my room, crying because I felt so disgusting. I don't know why I felt disgusting, I just did and it made me cry. There so many days with him that felt like shit and every time I got home I cried. I'm sorry I am who I am. I'm sorry I can't be friends with your friends. I'm sorry I weird. I'm sorry I'm not the one you want. During the time with him I got more depressed than ever, I almost tried to kill myself. When school stared again, we drifted apart and for once I was not so unhappy. We broke up. And I felt so released. He wasn't in my life anymore. But now, he still exist. Even though it might not be in person, he still is there. The horrible moments with him still is in my mind. He left his shirt here, and honestly, I just want to burn it. And I think I will, I think if I did some of these moments may die with it.
I hate you