xxx
Today wasn't that horrible, exept that everyone sees me as a joke, stuff were finished even tho new work began. I smile even tho there is pain and loss in my eyes. I keep going, but I'm not strong. I could give up anytime again.
I throw up a lot, I don't know why. Feeling ill all the time I would guess, but I'm not ill. It might be because of the pressure school does to us, me. No it's not beacuse of that, it couldn't. I don't eat much anymore to be honest, I just don't feel like eating. But today I actually ate much more than usual. And now I feel really sick and just ugh. I regret eating it , I do and I can admit that I do have an eating disorder but it's nothing serious. I am a vegitarian, and I do not eat meat att all, no fish no seafood.
I am mad. I think I might be mad. At night when I'm about to go to sleep, I sometimes hear voices telling me to do stuff, bad stuff. Or I personally I don't think it's necessery bad stuff more "interesting" stuff, like << You remember that person that bothered you with the looks and laughs? yeah? torture that person, make them feel that pain you feel. Make them pay. It's easy.>> Or it's not interesting, but I don't care I'm not scared. I feel nothing like that. My soul just suddenly decided to go on vacation and never return. I'm just alone and empty I suppose.
Not too long ago, maybe a week or so, I started to see stuff that actuallt wasn't there. It's like black spots or sometimes even a black shape in the cornor of my eye. It's kinda creppy, but I am not afraid. I mean, what could even happen that's worse than losing one's soul.
No, I changed my mind. I'm scared but at the same time I feel nothing. My mind is frightened, or most likely my heart. No I don't have a heart, it's just a hole. Ice.