xxx
Hi again. Seems like forever since last time I was here.
Stuff has happened. Both for the good and the bad. We can start with the good, so that I can prepare myself telling the bad. The new year. For you it might seems like another opportunity but for me it's just another year, another hellish year filled with challenges that can not be beaten. But the good stuff it was. I have been travelling and it was honestly the most wonderful thing that have happened to me, ever. I was first not so keen on going but when I got there, I changed my mind completely. For one week I felt like a different person, different human. I was with my family and I loved it. To be honest, I don't feel love but when I was there I felt something I never felt before and I think it was just love. I don't know, I could be wrong. One one good thing has happened. I threw away his shirt. It felt so good. I told my closest friend, my two most wonderful friends about him. What he did. Or they found out actually. It came to that point when they suspected something was wrong. We talked about everything and nothing and suddenly we were talking about stupid ex's and that's when my little story came to the reality. I honestly felt relieved. But at the same time, they now feel a little more pressure pulling them down. And it's all my fault they now have that pressure. I'm so sorry I told you, but at the moment it felt so good.
Oh and more thing. I have found someone that literally brighten my day. He really inspires me. I adore him and would do anything to meet him and thank him for being the reason I keep going, honestly. I am sorry to tell you this but before I found him I was dead walking.
But the the bad things. I miss someone so much it really hurts. More than one year ago, I lost you. We all lost you. I still think it's my fault. I didn't come and visit you as usual and the second later, you left. I'm so sorry, I was so selfish. I have only one wish and that's to meet you again, see you again. I miss you so much I can't live with myself. At night I see you. I don't know if this is only my imagination but are you calling for me? I can hear you every night calling my name. I hope it's not my imagination because I really miss you and would be anything to be with you one last time. I can't even believe it still. That you left so sudden. I.. I'm sorry, it was all my fault. And listen, I deserve to feel pain. I hurt myself only because I deserve it.
Today. I broke. I realized that life is worth living for. But I'm not strong enough. I took the pill and I am now waiting for the effect. I don't want to die. But I am not scared to die. If I die, I'll see you again. It's tempting. But I know you wouldn't want that. I am weak, but I keep fighting. I can feel the effect now. I don't feel. I can't feel so it's time for my punishment. One scar equals one more second with you. I regret it everyday, the scars. But I don't for one second regret being with you that one second. I just miss you so much. I am prepared to do bad things to be with you again. I miss you.